Lavender Took (lavendertook) wrote,
Lavender Took

4 Weeks without My Saki

I came across this sweet song vid yesterday by Meghan Trainor, and I have to say I really did love my Saki like I was going to lose her and was often brought to tears by something sweet she would do. She came to me 4 years after I lost petite meezer Stormie terribly when she was only 9, and my world came crashing down. It did take a couple of years for me to stop comparing Saki with Stormie and fully love all her similar, but not quite the same ways, as well as her different ways. She got to live out the full lifespan Storm did not, and I was constantly aware of Saki's eventual loss, and fearing it. I thought in some ways it was a wounded way to love and a sign of my brokenness, but maybe it is just a way of maturely loving in full understanding of our mortality. I never took my Saki for granted, and am grateful for all the cherished moments, and I do not regret wasted time not loving her the best I could. But 4 weeks ago, I learned the real reason why Sunday nights are so sad.

My high spirited girl on her lookout tower, about to fling her toys about.

Today is a Day of the Dead, when the lines between the worlds are permeable, if they exist, and Saki brought me a last gift. For the first time in 20 years, I can see Stormie's living face again in my mind's eye. When poor Stormie died, she heaved her way violently out of this world in my arms, and I lost all ability to recall any of her expressions but the terrible, tortured death mask she wore in that moment. I later came to understand this as PTSD. The last few days I've been seeing the determined way Storm would look at me when she was climbing up my leg like I was her f---king Everest. Today, I can finally recall her loving looks again.

So I'm thinking Saki is finally feeling well enough at Primroses to get up and look around, maybe due to all the hubbub of lovely Smudge's memorial service today, and she just met Stormie. Nurturing being that Saki is, she's taken that lost little baby in. After all, Saki is quite used to grooming 9 year olds like Stormie, having lately been taking care of 9 year old Tuxie. I'd like to think Saki and Stormie are loving on each other while they wait on different aged versions of me, and calitabby Milli is sitting in her sunny spot in the window, stretching forth a paw, and watching them lovingly, as was her way. Little old tabby Gabby, who I only had a few months, is sweetly sitting nearby, waiting to cuddle up with them.

Thank you, my fluff dragon. I miss you so very much and will never stop loving you.

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Tags: cats, death, gabby, gratitude, grief, loved ones, memorial, milli, saki, storm
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